Just Say No.
“Dear Distinguished Alum:
It is us again, your esteemed alma mater. We are once again groveling like common street panhandlers for donations to help feed an orphanage save the puppies hand some mercenary basketball player a bag of cash in hopes that he’ll temporarily reside on our campus before leaving again in six months. While we recognize that current economic times are challenging for many of you, we ask that you allocate whatever money is left over from your monthly loan payment to the university for whichever worthless degree we furnished you to make a contribution to our university’s collective that is in no way, shape, or form related to us, the University. No sir. We would not do that. Rules are rules. Yes, we understand that is a colossal waste of money and you probably can’t afford it, but think about the 10-second dopamine hit you’ll receive when we invite you to a post-game meet-and-greet with the player whom you helped bribe to join our team! You’ll get to observe the player from a safe distance as he mindlessly scrolls on his phone and doesn’t acknowledge your existence. For an additional, nominal fee, we can arrange a photo with the player, which you can hang in a beautiful frame in your office as a reminder of the one season he spent on campus before jumping ship to our school’s biggest rival. For Platinum Tier members, the player will sign the photo with a personalized message thanking you for your support, telling you that the fans are the greatest fans he’s ever met, and that he’s been beyond blessed to have spent time at this university, but with that being said, he’s seeking new opportunities.
Thank you for your continued support, you absolute sucker.
Tim Tipperson
Class of ‘98
Chair, [ ] University Athletics Collective (not affiliated with any university)